25/07/2002 - Entry #19
Turns out the model doesn't have to be finished until next week or so, which is good news. I'm gonna take my time and do it properly (I hope), so that I can enjoy my birthday. Fnuzzah.
Okay, so today is the first day of the Commonwealth Games. Commonwealth Games, ladies and gentlemen. Commonwealth Games. Admittedly, the games are pretty sucky, but the Commonwealth part more than rocks, so it's all good. But imagine my surprise when they announced that there are SEVENTY TWO nations taking part. SEVENTY TWO!. I honestly had absolutely no idea the Commonwealth was that big. I thought they'd whittled it down over the years, and that only the good old trusty Canadians and Australians stuck it out with us. But no, fucking seventy two nations. Look:
Americas
Belize
Bermuda
Canada
Falkland Islands
Guyana
St. Helena
Caribbean
Anguilla
Antigua
Bahamas
Barbados
British Virgin Islands
Cayman Islands
Dominica
Grenada
Jamaica
Montserrat
St. Kitts & Nevis
St. Lucia
St. Vincent & the Grenadines
Trinidad & Tobago
Turks & Caicos Isles
Europe
Cyprus
England
Gibraltar
Guernsey
Isle of Man
Jersey
Malta
Northern Ireland
Scotland
Wales
Asia
Bangladesh
Brunei
India
Malaysia
Maldives
Pakistan
Singapore
Sri Lanka
Africa
Botswana
Cameroon
The Gambia
Ghana
Kenya
Lesotho
Malawi
Mauritius
Mozambique
Namibia
Nigeria
Seychelles
Sierra Leone
South Africa
Swaziland
Tanzania
Uganda
Zambia
Zimbabwe
Oceania
Australia
Cook Islands
Fiji
Kiribati
Nauru
New Zealand
Norfolk Islands
Niue
Papua New Guinea
Samoa
Solomon Islands
Tonga
Tuvalu
Vanautu
Dude! That's a lot of countries! I mean, that's some serious population, right there. India has a population of over a billion alone! I'm gonna work out the total population of the Commonwealth, hang on.
*lengthy and somewhat tedious calculations*
Okay, so the Americas has a total population of 32,609,884 Commonwealthers, minus the Falklands, cos I can't seem to find their population. Ah well. Aaand, the Caribbean supplies us with 4,991,460 little buddies (again, minus Caicos and Anguilla, on accounts of being too obscure). Europe's kicking up 60,410,677 people for the cause, while Asia presents us with a simply WHOPPING 1,336,482,827! I mean they're really keeping the dream alive here. Go Asia! Go! Anyway, who was next? 362,349,971 Africans in backup. Come on lads! You're doing great! And finally Oceania, home of most of the worst football teams in the entire world, bringing up the rearguard with 29,952,408 citizens.
Altogether, the British Commonwealth has a population of 1,826,864,854. That's almost a third of the entire world's population! Dude, we seriously need to invade America! Three of our countries have nukes, and with a third of the world's population, we'd surely be able to do a hell of a lot of damage. Man, we could so take back the colonies. Think of how much better life would be over there! All manner of flavoured crisps! Beer that wasn't just water, and a legal drinking age of 18 to boot! Proper football played in streets and parks everywhere, and American Football renamed to "Hahahahaha"! Come on, life could be a dream for everyone. Let's get an invasion planned as soon as possible, people. Anyone in Manchester, sneak into the stadiums and spread the word to the athletes. They must tell their countrymen!
Y'know, I always thought that the Commonwealth was a fairly outdated relic from our shady colonial days, and was slowly deteriorating as more and more countries claimed their independence. Turns out, though, most of them like being part of it. I mean, look at Pakistan. They joined the Commonwealth in 1931, and by 1972 had feelings of liberty and independence. We all amicably decided to let them go, and it was very sad. Then, in 1989, they got fed up of being free and lonely, and politely asked if they could be readmitted to the Commonwealth. "Can we please serve as a testament to years of so-called colonial oppression, please? Only the fact is, British occupation is the best thing that's happened to Pakistan since it's dawn, and any critics of British rule can fuck right off!". Same thing happened with Fiji and a few others, whilst countries like Cameroon and Mozambique applied for membership as recently as 1995. Sure, today's Commonwealth is much more peaceful and free, not forced by imperialistic means like it used to be. But the fact remains that at its roots it's the British Empire, and is still usually called The British Commonwealth. There's a whole bunch of countries who readily admit themselves as "Dependent Territories of Great Britain": Anguilla, Bermuda, British Antarctica, The Virgin Islands, Cayman Islands, Falkland Islands, Gibraltar, Montserrat, Pitcairn, Henderson, Ducie and Oeno Islands, St Helena & St Helena Dependencies, South Georgia & the South Sandwich Islands, and Turks & Caicos Islands to name but a few. If there was really so much love lost between Britain and its past and present territories, you'd think that they'd want to put as much distance between them and us as possible. But no, they're queueing up to join. I feel a brand new assurance with our Commonwealth. A strengthening of the affinity that flickered there before. Don't fight, India and Pakistan. Don't be angry, Gibraltar. Let's all take our guns and our missiles and our tanks and our bombs, and let's not point them at one another. This is a time where we have to stop bickering and come together, to unite as one, and point everything we've got at America.
Let's make the world a better place.
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