23/01/2003 - Entry #63
So my internet connection died last night. It'd been playing up all night, randomly disconnecting me and so on, and then finally just died on me. I fiddled around with the modem, digging through the innards of my PC to try make it work again, but it refused. Eventually I had the brilliant idea to check the phoneline. Lo and behold, no dialtone. It was about 4am, so I couldn't ring BT, so I just went to bed. Woke up this morning and it's working again. Problem solved.
But the whole thing has underlined how much I hate change. Well, no, that's not entirely true. I'm all in favour of change, so long as it's me who's instigating the changes. What I hate is unpleasant surprises. Unforeseeable disruptions. For a few hours last night, I thought I'd have to get a new modem, or wait for BT to come round and fix the line, or whatever. That was just incredibly annoying. I'll be the first person to admit that repetitive routine can really bog you down, and before you know it you're in a rut and you've lost any hint of youthful exuberance you once had. But be that as it may, I like dependency. I'm a huge fan of it. When I wake up in the morning, I like my cup of tea while I read my e-mails and whatnot. I like that routine, and I like being able to depend on that kind of thing. I like having plans. I like sticking to those plans. Power cuts, broken phone lines, even running out of clean cutlery, really annoys me. I went downstairs just now to make some sandwiches, and every single plate and chopping board was dirty and in the sink. We have a dishwasher not two feet away from those plates, but I refuse to do other people's work. They used the plates, so I'm not cleaning them. They can do it them-fucking-selves. Although I obviously don't ask them to. I'm not the sort of person to do that. I don't really like rocking the boat, even when it's completely reasonable. I haven't sat downstairs watching TV since Mal left 11 days ago. The whole front room is a fucking tip, with pizza boxes and cigarette wrappers and empty coke bottles strewn everywhere, and none of those are mine. Not a single one. Rich said he'd tidy up, three days ago, but hasn't. But obviously I won't mention it. Meh.
But anyway, my point is that I like to be able to depend on things. If I decide to make sandwiches, I wanna be able to. When I go downstairs and find that someone has used the last clean chopping board to cut raw chicken on, and has left it in the sink unwashed, it irks me. Not because they shouldn't use the stuff in the first place, obviously, but just because it upsets my little plan. Even though I never told anyone my plan in the first place. That kind of random, unpredictable event, always annoys me far in excess of its real gravity. When I make a plan to go do something, like, say, see a film, or go to a club that I like on a certain night, and I plan my entire week around it, it pisses me right off when someone cancels. I'm not necessarily pissed off at that person, though. Just in general, really, that my carefully laid plans have been ruined.
I'm the kind of person who likes to work out things in advance, and then stick to that design, depending on it. I can't stand it when something interferes and muddies the waters. I remember when I used to play SimCity. I'd spend ages building up a great city, and then sit happily back and watch it tick away according to my design. It was wonderful. Then a volcano would erupt or something, and wipe out half the city, utterly devastating me. I'd worked so hard, and there was no way to predict or avert that disaster. It would upset me far too much for me to actually carry on with the game. It's a phenomenon that still haunts me to this day. Championship Manager, for example. I spent ages building that infamous Colchester United squad, and taking them into the Premiership. Suddenly one of my star strikers, Armand One, decided that he was a big fish in a small pond, and wanted to move to a bigger club. It annoyed me beyond words. There was no way I could stop it, and it was completely out of the blue, and it really upset all my plans. I mean, I know that that kind of event is half the fun of the game. Rolling with the punches and fighting back. It's the whole point of starting with a crappy division 2 team and working your way up. But it still annoyed me a hell of a lot.
I just hate those unpredictable events. I hate chaos. I'm a much bigger fan of order. I mean, it's not like I'm obsessive compulsive or anything. My room is in complete disarray, and I like it that way. I plan little things like what I'm gonna eat for lunch, and which CD I'll listen to when this one is finished, rather than major things like what I'll do when University is over. But either way, I like that order. I like being in control. Again, I'm all in favour of change, and being progressive and always moving forward, but I want to do it on my own terms. It's the random, unforeseeable disruptions which annoy the hell out of me.
Which do you all prefer? The unpredictable adrenaline-inducing whirligig of blind chaos, or the dependable and steady world of flatline happiness that is order? I know which way Emily will decide, but what about the rest of you? I'm intrigued.
Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, the very seriously-titled Toy Industy Association have released a "Century of Toys List" on their website. It compiles the 100 "most memorable and creative toys from the past century." You can check it out here, and use it like I did to find the exact year your childhood ended. 1993, for me. Regrettably it doesn't include video games, but it's still quite an interesting list, especially when you look at how tastes have changed over time. Whilst I adore my Supersoaker 1000 with a passion, and still keep it in immaculate condition, could you really imagine it being the most popular toy of 2003?
P.S. What the hell is a Jumbo Music Block? Or a LeapPad? Darn kids and their crazy toys. Get out of my yard, ya little hooligans!
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