29/01/2003 - Entry #65
Man, that was a long game!
*ahem*
Anyway, on to more pressing matters. I am totally loving MyScene.co.uk. That site's awesome. Ridiculously low on content, but there you go. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's Barbie's new site. Or, new look. Or...something like that. It's Barbie, anyway. But it's great. I was totally coralled into visiting the site, by the adverts. I don't know if any else has seen them, since they might be Sky only, but they're brilliant. They're little flash animations following the lives of Barbie and her bestest friends Chelsea and Westley (no, seriously!). They're about 20 seconds long, if that, showing a short excerpt from one of their many madcap antics. The life of a fashion-obsessed teen, eh! In one, for example, Barbie is talking to Chelsea on the phone in a taxi, when she sees, like, a totally hot guy on the pavement. She hangs up, stops the taxi and gets out, but oh no! She left her phone in there! The, like, totally hot guy gets in and the phone begins to ring as Barbie looks back in horror! Then the message pops up "Visit myscene.co.uk to find out what happens next." Man was I sold. I mean, I really couldn't give a shit what happens to Barbie. She could be mauled by wild tigers for all I care. But damnit, I had to find out what happens next! I don't care about her, but I need closure! I need it now! So I hopped over to myscene.co.uk, and it turns out FUCK ALL happens next. She meets up with Chelsea and Westley (pronounced, I presume, "Chalsah an Westlah") and says, like, I lost my phone or something, and they say ring him. Whoop-dee-doo, get to the fucking good part. It's like watching Lord of the Rings all over again. I don't want an epic, I just need the aforementioned closure! So now I have to wait for the next fricking installment. And just like that, they've got me hooked. It's marketing genius, I tell you. And I'm willingly walking right into it with my eyes wide open. It's great. I feel like I'm a part of something. No, that's not true, I'm just being silly now. Anyway, it's a fairly cool site. You get to, um, look at the girls' outfits. They have two each, in the shop. Uh, and you can find out some personal info about these fictional toy characters. That's...that's about it. The rest is pretty damn superficial (even by comparison), such as finding out what Barbie thinks of her Yoga teacher. But hey, it is made for teenaged girls, so, y'know, gotta cut them some slack. And I've never been a teenage girl, so I'm making up for lost time. Anyway, Chelsea is obviously my favourite. Goes without saying really. I mean, she describes herself as "Fun and funky." Off to a good start. A fun afternoon is spent "Chillin' at an art gallery." I like art, and I'm very lazy. It's going well! Her cutest crush (?) is "Alternative and artsy." I'd say I'm more 'borderline' than 'alternative', but hey, it's close enough. We're a perfect match! Surely nothing could possibly rain on this parade. Her plasticity could be a problem, but more urgently, I need to stop that rawk loser from putting the moves on my Chelsea. Bah. Listen to that song, Chelsea! It's not alternative and it's definitely not art! Look at him. I bet he listen to fucking Audioslave. Don't do it, Chelsea! I mean, fuck. "Speaking of..I can't help myself, what's your name?" First, that doesn't even make fucking sense. Second, it's seedy as hell! Why not just ask if she wants to see some puppies and be done with it? Jesus. Reeowr, though, look at her in that black leather miniskirt. You would. Yeah, yeah, I know what you'll all say. "She's a doll, you moron." "Get a life, you loser." "You couldn't even score with her." "Take the money, just don't hurt the children." I've heard it all before. But come on, they design these things to look like attractive women. That's the point. When was the last time you saw a fat Barbie? They've gone through many, many stages of design, to try and make them look as realistically female and attractive as possible. It happens with them all. It's like, you know how virtually every female computer game character has gravity-defying breasts? It's not just because all computer game developers are perverts. There's a full theory and practice behind it and everything. The idea basically runs that you need to instantly recognise the characters as female or male. Even at a distance, you need to be able to tell. The easiest way of doing that is to exaggerate all the proportions. They do it to male characters too. And it carries over into cartoons and stuff too. Almost any female character, the first things to be accentuated are the eyelashes and lips. Two characteristics we immediately associate with women, and even attractiveness. And that's what it's all about. Association. Draw attention to the aspects that are clearly definable as female, in a caricature kind of way, and it immediately forces the brain to fill in the blanks. So I put it to you that it's natural to look at a Barbie doll and basically completely ignore the doll, instead mentally picturing a real girl with similar attributes. Maybe it's a bit of a stretch to buy hundreds of them and keep them by you at all times, but hey, I like them. They make me feel loved.
Anyway, there's so much to laugh at on that site. I can understand Barbie being a registered name, but why on earth is Chelsea a trademark? Not only is it a name, it's a place, and a football team. I mean, what if Chelsea Clinton wants to embark on an ill-conceived pop career? Or Gianfranco Zola, for that matter, when he retires next season. They just haven't thought this through! Also, why doesn't poor Westlah get any kind of trademark? What's wrong with her? Why isn't she as good as the others? Also, what kind of style is "the usual"? I don't....what? If you asked someone what kind of films they liked, and they said "the usual," what would you think of? It makes no sense whatsoever.
"Whose round is it?"
"Mine, I think. What's everyone drinking?"
"Carling please, mate."
"Aye, same for me."
"Stella, ta."
"Oh, y'know, this and that."
"....."
Furthermore, is "Anything else?" the worst question ever? I think it just might be. "Haricut (not too short)"? It's halfway down your back, woman! What's your idea of long? "Grab Justin T's new one!!" He's only got one, you dappy tart. The ringtones make me laugh, though, so I'll let her off.
I'll be sure to let you know what happens in the next installment, though. Anyway, moving on. In fact, nah, fuck it. I'm going to bed. It's 11am, so I think I'm entitled to that. My hands are absolutely red raw. See, after I wrote "moving on", I noticed it was snowing outside. Now, I hope you know me well enough by now to know that I'm not stupid. I mean, I'm not smart, by any means, much less sensible, but I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid enough, for example, to let snow go by without a snowball fight. Sure, it was 10am and both my housemates were in bed, but that wasn't gonna stop me. Sure I have no gloves or even a coat, but that, too, proved unable to daunt me. So I rushed outside and kicked snow, ran down sideroads leaving footprints in the snow, then carefully walked backwards, stepping in the prints so people would find the tracks and SHIT THEMSELVES at my disappearing trail! I even made snow angels, even though those were never a bona fide part of my childhood. But then someone actually saw me, and I felt very sheepish indeed because I didn't have any equally tomfooling friends to back me up, and so I slunk back inside, which brings us up to date in my life story. The next chapter being me sleeping.
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