8/02/2003 - Entry #68
Well, the response to the FCC question has been extraordinary! The e-mails just FLOODED in. *sigh*. Fine then, I'll talk about fucking rubbish instead!
We got a little leaflet thing through the post yesterday. It's the most bizarre piece of post I've ever received. It's...well, it's a warning about a kid that seems to be terrorising the neighbourhood. Listen:
"This is Kevin Lewis. [cue picture of a kid who can't be any older than, what, 12 years old] The courts have issued him with an Anti-Social Behaviour Order.
What He Did:
- Behaved in an abusive, threatening and intimidating manner.
- Stole and drove motor vehicles in a dangerous manner.
- Unlawfully entered and trespassed on private property.
Order: The courts have made an Anti-Social Behaviour Order against Kevin Lewis which states that Kevin is prohibited from:-
- Behaving in a manner which causes or is likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress.
- Inciting or encouraging any other person to behave in a manner which causes or is likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress.
- Entering the area displayed on the map [cue map of Middlesbrough with a big section marked in red, with our house directly in the middle of it].
- Entering, driving, or riding any vehicle other than as a lawful passenger.
- Behaving in a drunk or disorderly manner in a public place.
- Defacing any building, internally or externally.
- Entering or climbing any building or structure without the permission of the owner/occupier.
- Congregating in a group of 4 or more youths, including himself, on the public highway or in a public open space other than for the purposes of spectating or playing at an organised sporting event, or taking part in, or as part of the audience at any other organised public event.
The Consequences: If, at any time, Kevin Lewis breaks the terms and conditions of his ASBO, he risks arrest and custody.
If you see Kevin Lewis breaking the terms and conditions of his ASBO please contact the Police or Housing staff. You can be safe in the knowledge that we will protect your privacy and that you're helping to make your area safer.
Kevin Lewis is now suffering the consequences of his own anti-social behaviour. If others behave in the same destructive, alarming or distressing way, let's work together to stop them and to make a safer and happier neighbourhood for ourselves and our children. This ban is proof that residents are successfully stopping unacceptable behaviour by working with the Council and the Police. By getting involved, you will be helping to make life safer for your family, improving your community and taking back control.
The recovery has started; with more help from you we can look forward to bringing back hope and living in peace."
Man, cue the music! Vive le Revolution! Let's take back the streets! Bring the bastards down! No more will we live under the yoke of oppression! Let's take up arms against our 12 year old overlords and fight, not for your sake or mine, but for that of our children! Our...our 12 year old children. Hmm. But seriously, talk about 'know your enemy'. If it were under any other circumstance I'd feel bad about mentioning this kid's name, as if it was somehow damning him even more than a city-wide leaflet campaign already has. I hope he keeps one, though. To show his kids one day, or something. One for the scrapbook.
Has anyone else ever had a leaflet like that before, though? Is it commonplace anywhere else? I really hope this is some kind of pioneering Middlesbronian technique, and that the rest of the country will follow suit. Way ahead of the game. Did you know that my uni is the only one in the country to offer a course in criminal detectivework? It sounds like an awesome course. It was on the news a while ago. They recreate these fake crimescenes, with, like, footprints and bloodied clothes and 'signs of a struggle' and so on, and then they let you in, and you have to work out what happened. They deliberately put clues around and so on, from the mundane to the Sherlockian (sorry, I'm liking the '-ian' words today). I'd love to do that! I can remember when I was about 11 or 12, my favourite game was Cluedo. I loved it to bits, and it was right around then my parents got into Murder Mystery Weekends. I used to beg them to let me go, but it was a proper drinking and dining weekend, so I never could. *sniff*. I would've loved that though. Maybe now I can do a whole course in it! I bet it's not all fun and games, though. Like the time we lost all our money to card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back.
Anyway. God damn it, this is the hardest game ever! It's a test of your typing skills, but, in a horrible, horrible way. As the letters come onscreen, you have to hit the key on your keyboard. Pretty straight forward, really. But it's so damn hard. I've played it 4 times so far, and the highest I'm managed to get is 289. The highest score is 23 THOUSAND! Jesus christ. Is it just me? Do I just suck? Someone else play and let me know if they have any more luck.
Call me stupid and weird, but I find this kind of charming. Pairing socks is hardly my favourite pasttime, but the ending is so worth it. Makes me want to go pair socks, just to see if it works.
Ever wanted to be a sperm? No? Well now you can anyway! It doesn't really hold up to repeat viewings, but I'm absolutely determined to keep going there until one day I log on and find someone I know. That would make my day. I just find it so reassuring having all these friendly sperm around. One day I might have to arrange some kind of Sperm-up, where we all meet by the egg at the same time. Aww, that would be great.
This game might waste a few minutes of your time too. Extreme Tobogganing. Always a winner. Worth it just to see how much horrible pain you can inflict upon the riders by firing them squarely into steel and fire.
Following hot on the heels of the legendary aborted kitten foetuses is a new challenger, in the shape of Carlee Fernandez. Or rather, in the shape of Carlee Fernandez's stuffed corpse fashioned into the shape of a teapot. Don't understand? You will. Try this, for example. Looks quite pretty, doesn't it? Colourful and nice. Everyone loves parakeets. Sadly, it turns out the branches are skewering the stuffed carcasses of the parakeets, freezing them for all eternity in painfully engineered flight. But hey, it's not all that pretty! Rats with Grapes is an interesting work challenging the viewer's perception of "what the fuck?" and really making them re-evaluate their own sense of "what the cunt is that?!" Possibly even more disturbing is Chicks with Branches. Wahey, chicks and branches! Phwoar. Look at the branches on that, eh? Oh, no, my mistake, it's a baby chicken that's been impaled just like all the others. I mean, fair do's, you shouldn't feel that it's cruel or anything, because it's not like the woman runs around the countryside stabbing animals with sticks. But still. This kind of thing still isn't all that pleasant. But yes. As if to prove that taxidermy can be fun, too, we're gifted with photos of absolute masterpieces such as this. Beautiful, isn't it? But not only that, it's useful too! See for yourself! Why, you'll be the toast of the laundrette. Hmm, actually, in that last picture the gazelle/basket abomination looks more than a little pissed off. These things are dead, aren't they? Aren't they? Oh dear God...
Okay, when I get my invisible coat, I'm also going to upgrade my legs. I want to be able to leap t(sm)all buildings with a single bound (provided I have a bit of a run up) and do acrobatics in mid-air. Cor, I'd never have to worry about Kevin Lewis again. "I don't think so, sucker!" I'd yell groundwards as I soared through the clouds. Yes, it would truly be a life of luxury in my bouncy domain. Don't worry, though. Once I became the dominant species on the planet, due to my springy hunting abilities, I'd spare you all. You need only bow at my mechanically evolved feet. Poor, poor, landlocked fools.
Alright then, and finally, to make up for all the football lately (and, indeed, for all of Carlee Fernandez), this one's for the ladies. Although I must admit it's rapidly becoming my favourite webpage of all time too. As if puppies weren't cute enough as it is, here they're shown in all their forced-perspective glory. There's puppies looking sad, puppies looking sleepy, puppies looking happy and excited, even puppies looking shy. I'm sorry, but I really can't get enough of puppies. Along with short skirts and pig tails they're my greatest weakness. They're like kryptonite to me! I can't resist their doe-eyed cuteness! Not that I really want to. Aww, look at them, they're so adorable. Careful though, it might just be too much cute for any one person to handle in one sitting. If you feel you need to take a break, do so. Especially when you get down to that little chihuahua. I'm not a fan of chihuahuas at all, but that one is so cutely proportioned and 'super-deformed' (in a "chibi" way, not a "my face" way) it's cuter than all cute itself. Nyaww. Hands up who wants a puppy now! Seriously, in this modern world of war and famine, just looking at that page seems to cure all your worries. Nothing could possibly be wrong with the world when it's full of puppies like that. Awww.
Of course, the cuteness is slightly tarnished when you realise the whole page is a Japanese restaurant menu...
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