27/02/2003 - Entry #71
Oh yeah. Website website website. Boop dee boo. What to write...
So yeah, I've got Shingles. That's a lot of fun, let me tell you. Y'know, just when I was reaching that age where you stop one day and realise just how much you miss chickenpox, and what a fantastic moment in your life that really was, up it pops again, to say hello and relive old times! "Remember me, fucko?!" Why yes, yes I do. You're the archaic disease which made life so utterly unbearable for a couple of weeks all those years ago. Man, how've you been? You look different. Have you been working out? Only now instead of causing mild discomfort, this is more along the lines of excruciating agony all the way along my most vital limb. I appreciate you taking the time out to look me up, though. How did you find me, anyway? My C6 vertebrae? Wow, I haven't heard from him in ages. It's good to know he still cares. I'd invite you out to lunch but I'M IN CRIPPLING FUCKING AGONY THANKS TO YOU!!!
Yes, anyway, for those of you who don't know exactly what Shingles is, it's the reoccurrence of the chickenpox virus (Varicella-Zoster). When you get chickenpox, the virus stays in your spinal column for the rest of your life. It never goes away. But just in case you forget it's there, occassionally it can flare up and violently attack a random vertebrae somewhere along the spine. The result is Shingles. Depending on which vertebrae it attacks, you'll develop Shingles on a different part of your body. Mine, as I mentioned, was the C6 vertebrae, which corresponds to the right arm and, more specifically, the middle finger. The first symptom is what the doctor described as "a weird feeling." Thanks, doc. But yes, it can be anything from itchiness or sensitivity, right the way through to numbness or paralysis. After a few days that will turn to blinding, unimaginable pain of frankly ludicrous proportions. Take it from me, it's not pleasant. Then, to cap off this little soiree of delightful symptoms, the affected area will blister and crack, breaking out in sores which are not only incredibly sensitive and painful to touch, but they also itch! Thanks so MUCH for that! How special! So yes, it's not a nice disease at all. It's more or less gone now, but at its peak, good lord it hurt. I'm a plucky old so and so when it comes to pain and viruses and stuff, adopting the whole English stiff upper lip approach, but I think I'm justified in complaining about this one. I decided on the Friday that I'd fly in the face of pain and go shopping. "No no, fair do's," I thought. "I'll brave the misery and go carry several heavy bags full of food back across the half a mile to my house. It'll do me good." What I now realise is that I should have been thinking "No no, fair do's. I'll stay home, and instead spend the time grating my penis into a very fine dust, and then forcing said dust into my watery eyes, because it'll sure as fuck hurt a lot less."
Oh well. Luckily for you, only 2 out of every 10 people will get Shingles in their lifetime, and even then it's only the elderly and immunodeficient which are likely to get it. Still, what's the betting I get it again in a few weeks time.
So we watched The Fucking Shit Of All Fears last night, starring Ben Affleck and Morgan Fuckwit. Cunt me with a spoon it was bad. What with the discussion last week about Iraq and so on and so forth, lately I've been really convinced that 90% of the public just don't understand politics one little bit. I'm not talking about people here, you're all admirably clued up. But I mean, the people who go on Prime Minister's Question Time and ask questions like "Last week I went to see my mother in hospital, and there was a piece of human excrement on the floor. What do you intend to do about this standard of healthcare?" He's the Prime Minister, not a fucking ward assistant, you fucking RETARD! I swear, people just don't realise how different politicans have to think to the rest of us. They're responsible for millions and millions and millions of people. They have to have a set way of thinking which is really difficult to get your head around, but still, people expecting politicans to think and act just like us is utterly preposterous. Which is why I hated Twatty Twatty Fears so much. Okay, if you really do want to see the film, then you're mad, but also stop reading now. Because I can't be bothered with spoiler warnings and so on. Other than this one, obviously. So, er, yes, look away now. Right, so the film starts with Israel launching a jet fighter with a nuke on it, in 1973, right? The plane gets shot down and then....everyone ignores it. Israel doesn't look for it. Syria doesn't look for it. Nobody. Ah well, just another jet. Who cares. Meh. It's not like anyone actually searches for their downed planes anymore. Bah. Anyway, that's not the problem though. The bomb is discovered by some farmers, who sell it to terrorists for $400 (as you do). These terrorists are actually Nazis who plan to take over the world and prove that fascism is the correct system of government. Their plan to do so is to make Russia and America destroy each other. So they hide the nuke in a cigarette vending machine and rig it to blow up when someone orders a packet of Marlboro lites. Why? Who knows. Sense of irony perhaps? I really don't know. Anyway, so they smuggle this nuclear vending machine to Baltimore, where they leave it and run. Someone buys some smokes and Baltimore gets blown to pieces. DUN DUN DUNNNN. So the President, being the forward thinking and level-headed individual he needs to be, promptly orders a retaliatory strike against Russia. Cos, yeah, it must have been Russia, right? Who else has nukes? Nobody, right? Yeah, this has got Russia written all over it! Who cares if we're wrong, let's bomb them anyway. We'll worry about the consequences later! Hooray! USA! USA! So yeah, they scramble fighters and bomb a Russian air base, to let them know who's boss and all. And then the Russians decide that the best way to STOP the US from attacking further, is to attack the US. Yes. So they bomb a US aircraft carrier. Then, the US, now convinced it was the Russians who nuked them (and featuring the line from the President: "Let's not forget how this all started. They tried to kill me. Don't you dare tell me to be reasonable.") orders a full-scale nuclear strike against Russia. Smart thinking! So cut back to Russia again, and in another moment of insightful military psychology, they decide the best way to deter the US from launching its nukes, is to...you guessed it, ready their own nukes for launch! "They'd be crazy to attack us then!" states one demented Russian tactician. Yeah, crazy like a fox, you muppet. I mean, seriously, it's just so fucking stupid. I know that the idea of rapid nuclear launches against each other is a possibility, but it wouldn't happen like this. There's absolutely no attempt at intelligence or anything. Jack Ryan, the hero of the story, discovers who really planted the bomb and started this whole thing, and he tries to get in touch with the President. But no, the President refuses to take the call, pretty much saying "No time! Too busy nuking!" It's absurd. I think the film was delayed after the attack on the World Trade Centre, to be tactful and all, but all I'm left wondering is why they didn't change it? I mean, suddenly we've seen first hand what really does happen when terrorists strike America, and what definitely DIDN'T happen was a grand-scale nuking of Russia. It just defies all logic. And yet people call the film "chilling" and "portentous." It's not. It's DAFT. It's utterly fucking DAFT. These people are dumber than fucking teens in a horror flick. They honestly couldn't be more stupid if they decided splitting up and searching the dark woods alone would be the best course of action. It sickens me.
What else was there? Oh yeah, I need to tell you about this site. I don't know if it's some new craze or what, cos it seems to be pretty damn busy, and yet I've never heard of it. Anyway, it's a site of film quiz type games. The best section, which is the one I've linked to, is brilliant. They've taken scenes from films, and then carefully edited out all the human flesh. You probably could've guessed that from the name "Invisibles", but there you go. It basically just turns everyone into the invisible man. You'll see what I mean when you go there. But yeah, it's really a lot harder than it sounds. Some of the scenes are so nondescript it's ridiculous. I've managed to get 4 out of 8 on just about all the ones I've done, but I can't get more than that. Some of them are just far too difficult. Still, very well done.
Aaanyway. So I've used the word "justify" twice in this entry, and both times it's reminded me of Justin Timberlake and his debut album, "Justified". I think everyone should have a little word like that. A variation on their name with which to imply personal action. When Mal came up after Christmas, I stumbled saying the word "dominate" and for some reason only then did I realised the connection to my own name. Suddenly it seemed hilarious to imagine me telling people they'd been "Dominated". Possibly after sex. The stress of the first syllable and the disparate mental image of my weak, emaciated body made me laugh. Still does, in fact. And so I think everyone should have one of those words. I decided that Rich and Pete, my housemates, should have "Enriched" and "Peter out." Pete gets a little hard done by on that one, I'll admit. But given his lack of motivation it's quite apt, really. Sadly the only one for any of you I can think of is "Edify." Admittedly, that's possibly the best of them all. "You've been Edified!" Definitely has a ring to it. Chri....Chris...Christened? Nah, doesn't really work. Jo....joi....jouy....no, I give up. Bugger it. Well it was a nice idea while it lasted.
As a closing thought, Ed and I have had several little pun-wars over the years, but both of us have been crushed by the latest Sun endeavour. There was a picture of Paul Gascoigne training with his new club in China, and this caption was shown below it:
"Wok’s all this then Gazza? Paul Gascoigne looks a bit stir-fried as he prepares for a practice game with Chinese club Gansu Tianma. Many pundits reckoned Gazza, 35, was off his noodle when he joined Gansu as player-coach. But the midfielder clearly isn’t taking it rice ‘n easy out East - let’s just hope he’s not Peking too early."
Dear god...
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