07/08/2004 - Entry #88

Wahey! 1-0. Off to a good start.

But I'm supposed to talk about last season and stuff. So let's see.

Well it's been a choppy year. I can't recall another season that featured so many arrivals and departures, both of players and managers. It was really a season of shakeups, I think, epitomised surely by Roman Abramovich's takeover of Chelsea. It seems like it happened a lot longer ago, but it was only around this time last year that he acquired the club, in a move that I think has had one of the most significant impacts on world football since Jimmy Hill's introduction of 3 points for a win in 1981. Sounds absurd, maybe, but I think Roman has totally changed the financial landscape of football the world over. I'm tempted to say it's put the cat amongst the pigeons, but I think a more apt metaphor is of a shark amongst harmless placid fish. It's not going to be hungry all the time, but its mere presence disturbs the balance completely. To give one example of this, Roman has become a football agent's best friend. All an agent needs to do is release a claim to the press that Chelsea are interested in them, and sit back and wait. Because it's such a real threat that Chelsea will buy the player, even if it's a little unlikely, the player's current team will get so unsettled that more often than not, they'll offer the player a brand new improved contract in a bid to keep the player where he is. Just look at Stephen Gerrard, or Wayne Rooney. Granted they were both definite targets of Chelsea, but some others haven't been. All of this is just one example of Roman's influence on footballing business. If he actually does well in coming years, too, I think it might even encourage huge investment in other football clubs, as it becomes a viable business venture.

Several other major arrivals and departures happened in the close season, mostly in the wake of Euro 2004. Jose Mourinho coming in at Chelsea, Rafael Benitez at Liverpool, and Jacques Santini at Tottenham all signal a step up in the quality of the managerial talent in the Premiership, or at least the potential of it. If there was any doubt that the Premiership is the best league in the world, is there any doubt remaining?

Well, possibly, if we lose some of the most talked about players. With the likes of Wayne Rooney and Patrick Vieira very far from settled, the actual big name talent of the league could be diminished in the near future. Personally speaking, I don't think the league would miss too much, and I'd still consider it the best in the world by quite some distance, but in a time where a league or a team's worth is all too often judged by their stars and wonderkids, the case could certainly be made.

However, away from the big name spendings of Chelsea and Manchester United, the upper mid-table teams have been restructuring too, undergoing many more changes than the top three. Observe Middlesbrough, who have put their Carling Cup winner's money to good use in signing two proven goal scorers in Mark Viduka and Jimmy Floyd-Hasselbaink, have solved their right-back problems with Michael Reiziger, after Danny Mills seemed reluctant to sign, and have even landed Gaizka Mendieta long term. Newcastle United, too, have picked up Patrick Kluivert, Nicky Butt and Jamie Milner. Granted I'm biased, but Jamie is a player with such a hot future, I think he's going to do amazingly well at Newcastle. He's a brilliant player, and if he continues to develop, he'll be an incredible bargain for £5 million. I watched him play the pre-season friendly against Sporting Lisbon, and he fought and battled for every single ball, and never stopped running. Bobby Robson played him out on the left wing, where he played all last season for Leeds, despite him being a naturally right-sided player. If he keeps playing the way he plays now, let alone keeps getting better, then I think he'll definitely be a contender for the left-wing position in the England squad in 2006. Sven said that in the World Cup, he "hopes to have more Wayne Rooneys", and Jamie Milner is exactly that in midfield. People pile plaudits on Cristiano Ronaldo for being so capable of turning matches from the left or right wing, and I personally consider Jamie to be every bit as good, just in different ways. If Cristiano Ronaldo is the archetypal European starlet, full of trickery and agility, then Jamie Milner is the archetypal English equivalent, full of determination and hard work. I really, really think he's going to be a player to watch out for in this coming season.

It's interesting to see the teams up against each other next week, and especially the choice of games that are going to be shown on Sky. Liverpool, under new management, face Tottenham, under new management. And then in the afternoon, the new look Middlesbrough take on the new look Newcastle. It'll be interesting to see all those teams, and catch a first glimpse of their potential for the new season.

Speaking of which, I just watched the Community Shield, which Arsenal comfortably won 3-1, and it potentially answered a few questions, foremost of which are "Do Arsenal really need Patrick Vieira?" and "Are Manchester United in decline, or was last season a blip?" The scoreline pretty much answers both, but I'll do it anyway. First, I think, is no, they don't need him. He's a very good player, definitely, and any team in the world would be happy to have him. But he simply isn't vital. They still played very well without him today, and they could definitely buy a replacement player with the £23 million they'd get from his sale. They just don't need him THAT much. Quite scarily for Arsenal, even their young players look to be playing with the same ethic as the senior players. Jermaine Pennant, who has not been a first choice player and spent the season on loan to a relegated club (yay Leeds), played today like he'd always been in the team and fitted perfectly. The likes of Clichy and Aliadiere slotted in and made typical Arsenal runs, and they all looked right. I maintain that the major thing Arsenal do, that makes them look so pretty and makes people gush over their football so ludicrously, is off the ball movement. All they do is make sure they're always moving. Wenger picks players that are incredibly fit and can keep up the pace for a full 90 minutes with all that off-the-ball running, and who see passes that are open, and he just engineers his team all around that off-the-ball movement. The result is that the entire team looks like one unit moving together, and every player looks insanely good because they end up making forward runs and latching onto through balls and so on. By looking at the young players coming through, they're already learning that technique, and it looks good for them.As for Manchester United, they didn't look any better than they did last season, and most importantly they still suffered the horrific defensive problems that plagued them throughout. Granted they were playing without some star players like Van Nistelrooy and Saha, and granted they'll be getting Rio Ferdinand back soon. But still, they looked shaky, and Arsenal repeatedly broke through them. You could say that's just Arsenal, but it was the players that did it that would worry me if I were a Man U fan. First Dennis Bergkamp, at the twilight of his career, muscled his way through the Man U defence to get a golden opportunity to score, before scuffing the shot horribly and wasting it. Next a Tim Howard save came out to Jermaine Pennant who found himself in acres of space, completely unmarked with virtually an open goal to aim at, and he skewed it wide. In the first few minutes of the second half, Jose Antonio Reyes did exactly what he was bought to do, by running some 70 yards with the ball, quite literally dancing through the Man U midfield and defence, skipping over challenges and cutting inside defenders, faking his shot and casually dribbling it past the keeper, leaving himself with an open goal, before firing hard into the side netting, collapsing with his head in his hands in disgrace. Those were three of the best chances of the entire game, and Arsenal didn't take them, and they still managed to score three goals. There were just so many times when Man U could have dealt with the situation by clearing the ball, but hesitated or tried to over-complicate things, and it repeatedly gifted Arsenal chances. One from their oldest player, one from one of their youngest, and one from a second string player who was loaned out like I mentioned. It just doesn't bode well for Man U, I don't think. They have serious defensive issues that they need to sort out if they want to be serious, serious challengers for the title or Champions League, because at the moment they're riding their luck and hoping they get the breaks up front to balance out their poor back four.

Which brings me neatly to:

The 2004/05 Season Premiership Something-to-Prove XI

Goalkeeper:
Paul Robinson (Tottenham)
Having left Leeds after a couple of seasons of sticking by us and trying to save the sinking ship, Paul's finally left and moved down south. For a good few years now he's been a contender for the England team's goalkeeper spot, but has always lost out to David James, occassionally getting 45 minutes in a friendly here and there. Now that David James is getting old, and Paul Robinson has a new club with a new manager, it's up to him to show everyone he deserves to be picked ahead of James, and that he won't let anyone down. He had a slightly rickety season at Leeds last season (but who didn't?), and he's going to have to worry about the Tottenham back four far more than any opposition striker, but if he does well, then surely the England place is his.

Left-back:
John O'Shea (Manchester United)
In fairness, this goes to the entire Man U back four, as stated above, and not just John. But nonetheless, he has a point to prove. He had a brilliant season two years ago, but struggled desperately to match that in 2003/04. He looked unfit, slow, and ineffectual as right wingers waltzed past him time and again. With critics gathering, he has to prove them wrong, and quickly.

As for Rio Ferdinand, a season out and Man U fall apart at the back. Rio has to come back and show that he was the vital ingredient that was missing. Not only that, he has to do well internationally and show us that England shouldn't stick with John Terry instead.

Wes Brown, well, where to start. Repeatedly called the most technically gifted English defender ever, why is it that he seems to look so fucking bad?

Centre-Half:
Jonathan Woodgate (Newcastle)
Quite simply, has to go the season, or at least the vast majority of it, without getting injured. I don't think anyone disputes that Woodgate is a damn, damn good player, but he just never actually plays. 37 appearances in a season and a half, only managing 28 in his first full season, including a Champions League and UEFA Cup run, just isn't enough. When Newcastle bought him from Leeds for just under £10 million, it looked a bargain. Now, it looks anything but. He has to stop getting snapped like a twig and actually play a whole season, or he'll never be a regular anywhere.

Centre-Half:
Ledley King (Tottenham)
After one brilliant game against France, there were immediate questions over whether he'd staked his claim to the England place, and had earned the right to play there again when John Terry regained fitness. He wasn't given the chance, and now he has to show us he should have been.

Right-wing:
Ray Parlour (Middlesbrough)
Quite a choppy time for old Ray. In one week he lost a court battle with his ex-wife that decided she deserved half of everything he owned, and was also told by Arsenal that 12 years of loyal service was quite enough thanks, there's the door, thanks for everything, off you go, thanks, bye. Now he's been signed by Middlesbrough, a team with a midfield almost as big as Chelsea's, and he has to prove he deserves a place, let alone that he's a good player when he's not in a team with Thierry Henry in front of him, Patrick Vieira beside him, and Sol Campbell behind him. With Mendieta signing at the same time, he's got his work cut out for him.

Central Midfield:
Nicky Butt (Newcastle)
See Ray Parlour, for the most part. For years he's slowly slipped down the pecking order at Manchester United, and yet still managed to get repeatedly called up to the England squad ahead of players with more games and better records. He's going to have to do very well at Newcastle to prove he's still got the talent to be picked for England. At Man U he watched as distinctly average players with no knowledge of English football were bought and picked ahead of him (Kleberson), as distinctly average inexperienced youngsters were brought through the ranks and picked ahead of him (Darren Fletcher), and even utterly shit players were moved out of their natural position and picked ahead of him (Phil Neville). If he's so low down the order at even the third best team in the country, then he needs to show why he's still getting called up to represent the entire country.

Central Midfield:
Kleberson (Manchester United)
He won the world cup in 2002. HOW?!

Left Midfield:
Jesper Gronkjaer (Birmingham)
Gronkjaer is such a frustrating player to watch. Very nippy, very capable of dribbling past players, very capable of scoring, but cripplingly inconsistent. No aspect of his game is more inconsistent than his crossing, and it really sums him up. He can and has put in excellent crosses, but every time he tries, he's far far FAR more likely to either spoon the ball hideously over everyone's heads, or to just drill it straight into the first defender. Just look at his goal in the Champions League, where he tried to pick out one of his strikers in the box, only to skew the ball off-target and watch as it looped over the keeper's head and into the back of the net for a goal. How frustrating must that be for everyone involved? New Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho wasted absolutely no time in telling Gronkjaer that there was no place in his team for a right winger who can't cross the ball, arguably the most important trait in a winger. Now Jesper has moved to Birmingham, and it's going to be up to Steve Bruce to get the best out of him, and up to Jesper to actually turn up to training and work on his flaws.

Striker:
Emile Heskey (Birmingham)
It's the big Liverpool strike team double, one has moved on, the other hasn't. Emile Heskey was one of Gerard Houllier's first signings (actually 11th, but half of the first lot don't count. more on that later), and is still the record signing during Houllier's tenure at a whopping £11 million. Now, that's a lot of money. Granted, it could have been worse. Houllier also signed El Hadji Diouf for £10 million, and that same player has now been told he has no future at Liverpool by new boss Benitez, after scoring only 6 goals in his time at Liverpool. At a hilarious £1.6 million per goal, Diouf makes Heskey look like insanely good value for money. Still, I don't think anyone would really say Heskey was worth that much money, a fact reflected in his sale to sale to Birmingham for only £6 million. Now that Heskey has moved to Birmingham, his position in the England squad is more at stake than ever. Eriksson (like every other English manager ever) has always picked his team based on who they play for, and not how they play. Top of his list every single time, are all the players from Manchester United, Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool. English players playing for other teams have to fight twice as hard to get picked, and now Heskey is one of them. He had more critics than probably any other England player while he was at Liverpool, and only time will tell if that was because he's just not that good, or if it's because Houllier's tactics of playing Michael Owen as 'the fast one' and Heskey as 'the slow strong one' forced him to be shit.

Striker:
Michael Owen (Liverpool)
The other half of the Liverpool strike force with something to prove. In my opinion, Michael Owen has had something to prove for several years now, but it's never been more true than right now. You just bought a new striker for £14 million, and the other striker just won the Golden Boot as the best player of the entire European Championship. Yet does anyone really think that Michael Owen won't start ahead of one of them when the new season kicks off? Sooner or later, he's going to have to prove he actually deserves that and isn't coasting along based on his name alone. Sadly for him, that's going to require more than just a few goals here and there.

UPDATE: Well, Michael Owen has just signed for Real Madrid, against all the odds, so he's not going to have anything to prove in the Premiership. Granted, he'll still have something to prove elsewhere, just as David Beckham did. However, instead of needing to show us why he deserved a starting place in the team, now he has to show us why the hell Real Madrid would want him (aside from the fact he's the 7th or 8th highest earning footballer, in TV adverts and suchlike). But I'm not sure whether to leave him in, or replace him with a Premiership player. I suppose it's still pertinent, keeping an eye on him. He'll still be an automatic pick for the England squad, so he has something to prove. Well, you can choose. The other premiership striker who I'd say has the most to prove is Alan Smith. Doing well for Man U, but especially for England, will make a lot of neutral people forgive him for his judas move. But if he does poorly, drops down the pecking order or rekindles his poor disciplinary record, life could become even more difficult than he thought.

All of this brings me to Gerard Houllier. Of the managerial departures I mentioned earlier, the two most important are definitely Gerard Houllier and Gordon Strachan. Both of whom I think I should salute here.

First of all, reasons to be cheerful for Gerard Houllier's reign at Liverpool:

1) His outlandish claims. Like "I have a team that, when they want something, they get it. We can be awesome, we can be unbreakable, we can be unstoppable", and "This team have already written history but they are destined for greatness and will achieve much higher performances." It would be really annoying, if it could even remotely be construed as true.

2) For saying "I am 100% certain I will be at Liverpool next season," just days before he was sacked. He sounded sure, but it was a silly error. Everyone knows the scale goes up to 110% in football.

3) Steven Gerrard.

4) The red scarf.

5) For causing one of the best headlines in newspaper history. After he bought two goalkeepers (Chris Kirkland and Jerzy Dudek) on the same day, despite already having Sander Westerveld as a very capable number one goalkeeper, the Sun magnificently gave us the headline "Bizarre Glove Triangle".

6) For getting rid of Roy Evans.

7) For being endearingly paranoid, and dreaming up weird conspiracy theories all the time. My favourite of which: "It always seems to be Liverpool under fire because of course so many former Liverpool players are employed by TV and radio. There are 22 currently working in the media as pundits - that’s a whole squad." Brilliant.

8) For giving us the phrase "Plastic Treble".

9) For eeeevery now and then, making a genuinely good signing. £5 million for Harry Kewell is going to look a much, much better deal soon.

10) For beating the supposedly unbeatable Man United, over and over again, at the 'Fortress' of Old Trafford. Somehow, Houllier's Liverpool always seemed to be able to beat Man U at home, even scoring the first ever penalty there since the Premiership began, just weeks before the end of this past season. It's insane to think that Houllier has a record of wins at Old Trafford second only to Alex Ferguson himself.

Sadly, all these reasons crumble to more or less nothing when you look at one simple statistic. 28 players bought for a grand total of £128 million. That's an average of £4.5 million per player, which wouldn't be so bad if those players didn't include the likes of Frode Kippe, Jean-Michel Ferri and Rigobert Song. No, I've never seen them either. But even that statistic could be saved if it weren't for one other stat. 40 players sold for a grand total of £45 million. That's £1.1 million per player sold, and it doesn't take much skill at maths to work out the business acumen of one Mr. Houllier.

The other entertaining manager to leave this season has been one of my all time favourites, the man, the legend, Gordon Strachan. The man behind some of the best footballing quotes of all time. I give you, Wee Gordie:

"He [Alex Ferguson] used to play tapes of Bill Shankly talking. I remember that and a singer he liked. I don't know who it was but it was crap. He played it on the team bus too and all the boys hated it. Until one night it got chucked away. If he's still wondering who threw that tape off the bus, it was me. So maybe he was right and I'm not to be trusted."

"I used to drive home from Manchester United training along the M56 and there was a left turn for Wilmslow, where I lived, and a right turn for Hale, where Norman Whiteside, Paul McGrath and Bryan Robson lived. I used to say that it was left for under three pints a night and right for more than ten."

"Society now is scary. It's a mess. Lack of fitness makes criminals of people."

"Southampton is famous for three things - the Titanic, yachting and Matt Le Tissier."

"After I left Coventry I’d pay my own way into matches and would wear big hats so no-one recognised me."

"If a Frenchman goes on about seagulls, trawlers and sardines, he's called a philosopher. I'd just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap."

"You have to remember that Agustin Delgado was virtually up against their youth team. I have never seen so much acne on a football pitch."

(Upon being asked if he cared about AWOL Agustin Delgado) "I'm more concerned about a yoghurt on my desk that passes its use-by date today."

"I'm going home to get myself a Coca-Cola and a packet of crisps, sit in front of the TV and look at the league table on Teletext all night.

(After reports that the delectable Holly Valance was 'interested' in James Beattie) "She’s not the only one - my missus is the same. I cannae ever sell him because the other players’ wives, the manager’s wife and the coach’s wife will all be up in arms."

"I just want to thank Mr and Mrs Beattie for what they did 25 years ago."

"Brad Friedel must have changed in a telephone box. I wouldn't be surprised if when he takes his shirt off there's a blue jersey with an 'S' underneath."

"The players have their own ideas about how the game should be won, but it won't be tolerated. I'll get less skilful players in who play the game the way I think it should be played."

"My bum has been through every temperature known to man."

"The ref said: 'If I make a mistake don't make me look an idiot.' I had a great reply lined up but it would have cost me a couple of quid.

"I know nothing about tactics. I just get good players on the pitch who can run a bit."

"It was minging" - On his side's performance at Bolton.

When asked to comment on Jardel's role in Michael Svensson's dismissal - "He’s a big guy and to fall like that? My grandson wouldn’t have fallen like that. I don’t know how you face your mates after that. They say ‘What did you contribute to the game?’ and you say, ‘Well, I fell like a big Jessie’"

"Football hasn't changed from day one in that if you show an ability to control and pass the ball there is a good chance you will prove to be a good team. We also looked very one-dimensional and I will have to find out why. That's all I'm saying - thanks for coming" - The complete transcript of his post-match press conference following defeat to Man City in November.

"It's probably the Samaritans - they normally call around this time" - After his mobile phone began ringing during a post-match interview.

"You can't get near to the officials, it's easier to get to the Pope! If I'm in London next time and I get mugged, I hope the same amount of people turn up - I tried to get near the referee and there were six police officers, four stewards and a United Nations peace observer in the way."

"I get annoyed because we spent yesterday working hard on how we were going to defend set-pieces. I might as well have got the referee in instead and asked him whether we should make the journey or just give them the points and have a game of golf instead."

"I'll be busy seeing where EasyJet are flying - all the lads have been calling me Philias Fogg!"

And my favourite football quote of all time: "If you want to kill the Indians, you have to kill their chief, and we didn't kill Alan Shearer."

Which brings me too (aren't these sections segueing nicely?), The Memorable Quotes of the Year. Or more accurately, the Quotes of the Year that haven't previously been quoted in other Quotes posts, which really means Quotes of the latter portion of the Year. Random capital letters. Anyway.

"It's great to see the so-called smaller clubs, without the money, doing well - just like last night with Chelsea." - Andy Gray. Poor poor chelsea, Just the pocket change of £120m to spend and made to play the rich playboys of Highbury

David Beckham's alleged affairs were initially met with outrage from the tabloids, until they quickly realised that without them they'd have nothing to talk about, prompting a torrent of sickening sentiment from the sleazy rags:

Wednesday, April 7: 'Posh and Becks’ marriage will easily survive this minor hiccup. Because they have loads of the one thing Ms Loos lacks . . . LOVE.'

Thursday April 8: 'She [Posh] represents all that is good about Britain - she’s hard working, caring and a good role model.'

Monday April 12 (after revelations of a second Beckham lover): 'The next few weeks will be crucial. They must stay unwavering and show their unequivocal love for each other as the world watches their every cough and splutter. They are both great ambassadors for this country and we should celebrate that.'

"I would like to celebrate today this team, because they are really exceptional mentally as well - not only footballistically." - Arsene Wenger makes up words.

"Only 90 seconds had been played when Roy Carroll's weak clearance fell straight to Muzzy Izzet 10 yards out but he shot wide of the corner flag. Leicester continued to impress as United struggled in the first period." - BBC Sport
When shooting wide of the corner flag from 10 yards out is filed under 'impressive' you know that a team is struggling. Or you've been spending too much time watching Liverpool.

'Liverpool boss Gerard Houllier made no excuses after defeat against Charlton threatened their European hopes':
'"Maybe the Arsenal game took a lot out of us," said Houllier.'
Wonderful.

'Sun readers backed David Beckham in our You The Jury poll. Readers voted overwhelmingly in favour of Becks being a perfect family man.'
'Overwhelmingly' of course means 'A total of 45 per cent decided that Becks did NOT have sex with Rebecca Loos or Sarah Marbeck'.
Dear god, it's a landslide.

'And our survey found the majority of the British public believe Becks DID play away.' - The Sun
The figure? 42%

"We behave like a hungry guy because we want to eat everything. Overall, we've tried to eat everything." - Patrick Vieira.

'Nottingham Forest are to slap a £10 price tag on young Irish playmaker Andy Reid to ward off interest from bigger clubs.' - BBC Sport
Presumably, they've heard Leeds are interested.

'90 minutes - Norwich just have the edge.' - Sporting Life
The score at this juncture? Norwich 5 Walsall 0.

"I don't believe in talking in graphic detail about what happens between two people when they're together." - alleged david beckham mistress Sarah Marbeck

"We started kissing each other all over, And then he began giving me oral sex. He had a very sensual technique. Finally we made love on the bed going through a whole variety of positions, though he was on top most of the time." - Sarah Marbeck not going into graphic detail.

'Brazilian superstar Ronaldo last night pleaded with David Beckham to stay in Spain...' - Daily Mirror headline

"David still has a long time left on his contract and he is very happy with everything in Madrid. He has had a very good season in his first year and he is determined to stay and make next year even better, that is why I don't think he will leave Spain." - actual quote from Ronaldo. Off your knees man. It's embarrassing.

"In general, inside the sporting fraternity, you don't experience racism. Footballers grow up among people from all races." - Marcel Desailly, just months before Big Ron's comments.

Paul Merson, after his first match as caretaker manager of Walsall, a 5-0 thrashing by Norwich:
"But wait until Saturday and the home game against Sheffield United before you judge me as a manager."
Seven days come and go...
Walsall are beaten at home by Sheffield United and Merson announces in the post-match press conference that he wants the job on a full-time basis. Clearly, in his own little world he'd proved his point.

'Wild Girls Aloud star Cheryl Tweedy performed a lap dance for TWO Liverpool footballers in a nightclub' - The Sun using the term 'footballers' loosely for Djimi Traore and Carl Medjani. Yes, THE carl medjani. Yes, "who?" indeed.

"I thought I was a bit of an arsehole in the last year at Leeds" - David O'Leary, about 2 years too late.

It's time for the Who Can Be The Biggest Journalistic Fuckwit And Needlessly Gush Over Arsenal, Taking Pretentious Hype-Mongering To An Entirely New Level award!

The Independent's Tim Lott must have thought he had the prize in the bag with this beauty from January: "...banally, Thierry Henry stopped a ball going out of play. But the way he did it, the style with which he stopped, then captured, then redeployed the ball, made me gasp...I had achieved de-evolution, the merging of the individual into the ecstatic mass."

But Nick Coleman, also from the Independent, raised the bar to an entirely new height: "A fantastic thing occurs at the Highbury Library when Thierry Henry sees killing space to run into and - whether he has the ball or not - just takes off and goes. It's a kind of judder, a hard, neural ripple...

"And within three-quarters of a second the whole joint is transformed from a library into a weird conflation of bacchanal and chantry, in which Gooner and arriviste, spotty Herbert and hormonal Henrietta, turn to one another and experience the football equivalent of the joy of spiritual oneness.

"As a spectacle, Henry running fast and purposefully has come to define a specific kind of beauty for me - beauty as a dynamic, supple thing to do with the relationship between space and time: things happening all at once, spontaneously, in a semi-chaotic, semi-organised fugue of separate but interconnected micro-events - but all of it stimulated by the exercise of one will and its tool, a singular body..."

Special mention should be given to the Daily Telegraph's consistently twattish Henry Winter, though, for managing to match his colleagues' drivel while talking about Arsenal OFF the pitch, at a fucking AWARDS CEREMONY.

"Henry and Vieira sat side by side at the Professional Footballers' Association awards ceremony off Park Lane, models of sobriety and excising any hint of fat or skin from the main-course meat.

"These men are phenomenal athletes, leaner and fitter, faster and stronger than so many of their peers...lesser players from lesser clubs were heading off into the West End night. Henry and Vieira had other, grander agendas."

What grander agendas, Henry? Where did they go? An art exhibit? Buckingham Palace? Where, you fucking cocksucking pile of wank? Ugh. I really find it impossible to like Arsenal, because of all this hyperbole. I mean, I grant they're a good team, but there's absolutely no way in a million years they warrant this kind of ludicrous praise. It pisses me the fuck off.

Darren Fletcher: "Don't compare me to David Beckham."
We weren't, Darren. Except to say "he's really fucking shit compared to..."

Even more ridiculous, though, is Liverpool's oft-dropped Bruno Cheyrou stating "I wish people would stop comparing me to Zinedine Zidane. I see myself as much more similar to Robert Pires." That'd be 15 goal a season world cup winner, two time premiership champion Robert Pires? I see the similarity between that and your 5 goals EVER at liverpool. And the fact you've started 9 games all season, Bruno, and been substituted off in 7 of them, just completes the mirror image.

"You can't trust these people. You are asking me to trust a Spaniard" - Sir Alex Ferguson responds to speculation linking Ruud van Nistelrooy with Barcelona.

"It is a serious infringement of the laws of the game" - FIFA's explanation for why Cameroon would be docked six World Cup qualifying points in punishment for wearing one-piece kits during the African Nations Cup. This would be the team that first wore reversible kits when it was technically against the rules to do so, and is now commonplace. Tsk.

"All I want to do is apologise to all Reading players and fans. I just could not get out of the way. I would not want the game decided in that way and it's the first time it's happened in 31 years. All I can say is that I am sorry" - A contrite Neale Barry, the referee whose accidental block of a Reading clearance lead directly to Norwich's winner on Saturday. Gutted. Still, nice to see the apology.

"It was a crowded penalty box and it was difficult to see what happened. Neale Barry is one of the best decision-makers there are, he came out last week after the Reading v Norwich game when the ball bounced off him and Norwich scored and he apologised - I'd like to see more of that. I've got 100% respect for Neale Barry" - Sir Alex Ferguson, in the most unlikely quote ever, defends the beleaguered whistle-blower after he turned down ManYoo's last-minute appeals for a penalty at Portsmouth. Nice.

"I'm not worried about relegation" - And here's Keggy with a quote which may come back to haunt him. Very soon.

"Dickov Signs...But Not For Us" - the unofficial west bromwich albion website with one of the best headlines of the year.

Sky Sports pundit Rodney Marsh's official diary proves to be a guaranteed source of excitement, never failing to impress.
Thursday: 'Can't remember what I did today. Must have been boring.'
Friday: 'Boring day....got some sun and bit exercise, that's about it.'
Saturday: 'CUP FINAL - Watched it....boring.....bbq in evening with neighbour Don....'
Lucky Don. You just keep waiting for him to mention his battle with drugs and suicidal tendencies again. No, seriously.

"We have got a contract. I understand the speculation, it is part and parcel of this modern game, but I feel strong, I feel good and I want to fight back because I am not happy with what has happened this season" - Gerard Houllier with bad news for Liverpool fans.

"I believe the team will grow and at some stage we will win the title" - And then goes and blows it with clear proof that, despite his protestations to the contrary, he's definitely not all that well.

"It's the be all and end all as far as I'm concerned. Everyone wants it at the club, from the chairman downwards, because everyone knows how exciting it is to be in the Champions League. I know we wouldn't have a medal to show for it, but it would be fantastic to finish fourth" - Does Steven Gerrard realise that, in terms of points, Liverpool finished closer to bottom-placed Wolves than top-placed Arsenal?

"I have no reason to lie. Why should I?" - I'm not saying she is or isn't lying, but...when Rebecca Loos takes a glance at her bank account and finds a cheque from the News of the World worth £350,000 safely deposited, and another from Sky One for £150,000, she may be able to answer her own question.

"David has never done anything wrong. He is a top bloke, a real nice lad" - Ronaldo on his Real Madrid team-mate, as quoted in The Sun. Is it just me, or does that not really seem like it was directly literally translated from the portuguese?

"People think that because Tottenham Hotspur won the double in 1961 and had good sides in the late 1980s and early 1990s, we should automatically be doing well now. These people don't understand that we don't have the same finances now, and we haven't spent anything like Liverpool or Arsenal, for example" - Someone should let David Pleat know that Spurs have spent rather a lot more money than Arsenal in the last five years, actually.

"We're pretty laid back. We don't have long meetings. It's difficult to have days out with the squad because, no disrespect to the foreign lads, but they aren't interested in going racing. Half of them don't play golf so me and Jim Smith go racing and have a round of golf instead" - The latest extract from Harry Redknapp's school of management.

"With the amount of injuries and funny decisions we have had, I would say yes" - Gerard Houllier's answer to the question of whether he thought finishing fourth would be considered a 'success'. Still not making excuses then, Gerard.

"I'm not making excuses" - Gerard Houllier, in The Sunday People, immediately before adding "but the uncertainty over my future and the criticism I have had has affected the players. This has been the worst season I've had in football. I've never known a season like it for injuries to major players and bad luck." So no excuses at all, then.

"Some people say I've spent £130 million, when it is actually only around £120 million" - Gerard Houllier delivers a trenchant riposte to his critics. That'll teach us.

"I have watched Band of Brothers a couple of times on TV and we are like a family at Arsenal. In 10, 20 or 30 years we will still be there for each other" - Thierry Henry draws the obvious comparison between a gang of multi-millionaire playboy footballers and a squad of men who lost their lives battling the evil oppression of Nazi Germany.

"The dressing room at Arsenal is an extension of my family - that's how close it has become. I've learned that you need that warmth and unity to get that little bit extra from the players...For us the dressing room is a great place to be. Some of the single players stay at the training ground all day, chatting and whatever. The other day Edu brought in his wife and their new baby and the players all made a fuss of them" - Martin Keown on the great Arsenal love-fest. It makes you sick, doesn't it?

"David O'Leary has done a superb job this season and I'm delighted with him. But whatever he may say, we can challenge the top five next season. The sky is the limit. That's the minimum requirement: the top four" - Deadly Doug Ellis. Is he serious? Villa's minimum requirement is 4th? I mean, they've done well, but still...

"I feel sick, it's enough to leave you queasy as hell. I'm so pissed off. Watching this makes you feel like vomiting" - Jesus Gil fails to remember the old adage about taking part as he watches his beloved Atletico lose the Madrid derby.

"He's an outstanding player. Just outstanding. He won us the double in '98." - Former Arsenal player Lee Dixon praises current Arsenal player Robert Pires. And it's easy to see why. Considering Pires only joined Arsenal in 2000, winning them the double in 1998 is all the more impressive.

"Sometimes I play badly because I play out of position. I'm not 20 years old, I'm 29. I find it very hard now to play in different positions" - Poor Sebastian Veron. £100,000-a-week wages, a string of multi-million transfer deals from some of the biggest clubs in world football, and he's upset because the team doesn't revolve around him. Bless.

"The ingredients this year were just a fantastic effort by the manager, the coaches and the team" - For TV Chef and owner of Norwich Delia Smith, there's only ever one type of explanation. Can we look forward to more cookery-themed interviews this season now that they've been promoted to the Premiership?

"We're literally within touching distance of the cup but we're actually miles away." - Mick McCarthy. Literally, Mick? They brought it round and held it tauntingly close yet barely out of reach? Seems harsh.

"should Arsenal be eliminated from the Champions League by Chelsea, then the domino effect could have their season literally in pieces" - Stephen Howard in The Sun. Literally, Stephen? In pieces? The same way Manchester United were literally in meltdown two weeks earlier?

"You find out who can play at home and who can play away. It gives you a clearer view of who will be in the trenches alongside you and who will be running out the back" - General Paul Sturrock following the 3-1 defeat at Middlesbrough.

"We have already put a lot of kids in this season and we'll fiddle around with them and give them a bit of experience" - David Pleat. No comment, David.

"I don't think it's personal" - David Pleat's response to chants of 'We want Pleat out' during Tottenham's latest horror show. Who says he's not an astute man?

"I'm not going to say" - Pleat's response to the question of whether Spurs are in a relegation fight. Who says he's not an honest or humble man?

"I swear to God I didn't hear it. I saw at one point they were looking at me but I didn't hear it" - David Pleat after the latest chorus of 'We want Pleat out', for the fourth match in a row.

"For me to show anger, there's got to have been something really serious gone on in the game. We should have had two penalties and there was a good shout for a third" - Dave Jones begins his diatribe against Uriah Rennie following the defeat to Bolton.

"I know Uriah, he'll expect me to have a drink and a chat with him afterwards, and I've no qualms about playing in his charity golf days although I might be tempted to wrap my five-iron around his neck" - And on he goes...

"But this isn't about friendship, this is about business and when he comes to work I expect him to do his job properly. He'll probably go home as happy as Larry, but his performance was unacceptable at any level of football, it was diabolical" - And on...

"If I lose a football game I'm expected to come out and explain why, and I'm happy to do that, so if he has a bad game he should explain himself. But he's an arrogant man - it was as if the game was all about him and that's not the first time that's happened to us with him this season" - And on...

"As for talking to him afterwards, you can't get a word in with him. He's probably too busy putting lip salve on. I'm not a vengeful man but I can be vindictive and he was crap" - And on... Anyone else think that Dave's claims of being calm and placid aren't all that true?

According to Alan Brazil in sports 'newspaper' Football First: "Sir Alex Ferguson IS Manchester United. Cut him and he will bleed red!!"
Surely not, Alan!

"It's a cautionary tale for other clubs out there. Leeds killed the goose that lays the golden egg, and they've ended up with a dead chicken" - Wilf McGuinness on the Man United official website. We...hang on....what? I...is there a translator handy?

"Hello my sharks, welcome to the funeral" - Claudio Ranieri's opening words at his pre-Monaco press conference.

"Before you kill me! That crazy man! I give you a good espresso. A small one. I am a Scottish man" - Ranieri again, as quoted in The Times. I have no idea what he's on about, but lordy I'll miss him.

Full marks to Network 2's commentator Johnny Giles for not holding back his views on the previously criticised Jesper Gronkjaer during coverage of Chelsea's game against Monaco.

Not convinced that the Dane's goal was deliberate, a distraught Giles opined, "Knowing the way he usually crosses, I'd be very surprised if he meant that. I mean he's not that good at all."

And that was followed up five minutes later - when everyone else was watching Monaco hit the post a hundred yards away from Gronkjaer - by: "He's done it so many times before, just hit it wildly across the goal..."

Not content with that musing, some 20 minutes after Gronkjaer's goal listeners were still finding Giles stuck on the same tune as the Dane hit another bad cross. "That's more like it," declared a happy Johnny. "There's no way he could have picked out the keeper like that. He couldn't have!"

Presumably after a quiet word by the producer at half-time, the sight of Gronkjaer blazing a sitter over the bar five minutes into the second found a more restrained Giles. "I'm not going to say any more about Gronkjaer," he announced.

Apparently having second thoughts during the one-second pause that then followed, he added: "I mean even the way he hit it was wrong, with the side of his foot, but I'm not going to say any more about Gronkjaer."

So after 69 minutes: "Well that's three substitutions and I said I wouldn't mention it again, but how Gronkjaer is still on the pitch is beyond me."

Finally, with five minutes to go, as Gronkjaer stepped up to take a corner: "Oh God [pause]. Maybe this one will go into the top corner, too."

Gotta love it.

Also, thanks to the BBC website for giving us the following mental image: "Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri partners Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink and Eidur Gudjohnsen in attack as the London club seek to overcome Monaco to reach the European Cup final." Talk about giving your all for the club.

"I have been in the same office and the same training camp as him all season and I have seen frustration but I have never seen a quitter." - Stuart Peace defends beleaguered Man City boss Kevin Keegan. Never saw a quitter? Err, Stuart, the reason that Keggy is at City right now is..because he quit England. And, erm, before that he quit as Fulham manager. And before that as Newcastle boss. He hasn't NOT quit a job for at least 10 years.

"He's got a good voice which is very, very important and has got two good feet." - Norwich boss Nigel Worthington after signing keeper Paul Gallacher.

"He just comes across as a lovely boy. He's confident, well-mannered..." - Norwich boss Nigel Worthington after signing David Bentley on a season long loan. Is he trying to put together a football team or a pop group?

With Manchester United already having Wes Brown, a player nicknamed "Baked Bean" for his strangely round and orange head, is it really wise to buy a player called 'Heinze' to play alongside him?
What's next - will United sign Geoff Horsfield to play up front with Ruud?

Sorry to track back a little, but..Some of the best of Gerard Houllier:

"Too many players were trying to score or create a goal."

"It was not a mistake, it was a blunder."

"We scored 127 goals - the third highest total in the club's history. Although, if you believe everything you read in the papers, 126 probably came from a breakaway from the edge of our penalty area. The other one was probably an own goal."

"You can't say my team aren't winners. They've proved that by finishing fourth, third and second in the last three years."

"Our job is to make the fans happy. When we win, 45,000 people go home happy. When we lose, it not only affects them, it affects their cats."

"We have a community feeling; the groundsman has a meal with the pros."

On Paul Ince: "I notice a former captain of ours said recently that this squad is so good that we don’t need a manager. I took this as a great compliment. He must have changed his mind since leaving as he said at the time that Phil Thompson and I would drag the club down. On that point I suppose he was right - we dragged the club down to Cardiff three times in the last 10 months." Quality.

and finally, of course, it has to be..

"I am particularly upset because nobody is less of a racist than me" - Ron Atkinson after making some, apparently, only-just-a-tiny-bit-racist remarks live on air.

let's see..

"And I'm sorry, but I fucking think that fucking Desailly is a cheating fuck. That was wrong.

"I've always thought that he has no awareness of danger.

"He is what is known in some schools as a fucking lazy thick nigger.

"That is a fucking disgusting performance."

Nope. Can't see anything inappropriate there.

Phew, this update's taking forever. I can't remember what else I need to talk about. Okay, lemme list so I don't forget. End of season awards, Foreigner awards, best moments in pictures, alan smith, Euro 2004. I think that's it.

Okay, End of Season Awards!

Best single moment of the year:
Martin Keown jumping on Ruud van Nistelroy at the end of the match between Arsenal and Manchester United, while Ashley Cole practically punched him in the stomach.
Runner-up: The young Leeds fan caught by Sky Sports cameras, bare-chested with "Leeds" scrawled on his skin in felt tip, in floods of tears as Leeds lose a vital game 3-1 to Birmingham securing their relegation, STILL singing "Down in a minute, we're going down in a minute" through it all. Genuinely heart-warming, and everything I love about football.

Best celebration:
Jose Mourinho sprinting the full length of the Old Trafford touchline, arms aloft, after his Porto team's last minute equaliser knocked Manchester United out of the Champions League. Topped off by his immediate departure from the stadium, not even waiting around to shake Alex Ferguson's hand. All of which was made all the more wonderful because of the mind-games Manchester United had been trying to play in the days running up to the match, calling Porto cheats and cowards. Thing about mind-games is they only work if you win.
Runner-up: The scenes at Tottenham on April 25, when Arsenal officially won the title. But these celebrations didn't come from Arsenal themselves, oh no. They came from Tottenham when they scored a completely meaningless equaliser to secure one measly point that didn't help them at all, and didn't stop Arsenal winning the league. But despite the hollowness of this 'victory', the crowd went absolutely fucking apeshit, and the Tottenham players did the same, so much so that one player even cartwheeled into an advertising board, injuring himself for the rest of the season. What a team.

Penalty miss of the season:
David Beckham versus Portugal in Euro 2004. There've been worse penalties, without a doubt. His penalty against Turkey was far, far worse, but it didn't matter because we still drew and qualified. But this penalty, the example set for the rest of the team, had disastrous effects and proved much more costly.
Runner-up: Alan Shearer versus Wolves, 9th of May. If he'd scored, a win at either Southampton or Liverpool would have put Newcastle in the Champions League. Tut tut.

Comeback of the season:
Man City against Tottenham in the FA Cup. 3-0 down at half-time, and Joey Barton is sent off for arguing with the referee. With only ten men, Man City still somehow manage to claw their way back to 3-3 with minutes to go, before Jon Macken scores the winner in one of the greatest comebacks of all time.

Goalkeeping blunder of the season:
Anything by Ian Walker, who had a season epitomised by one of his own fans running onto the pitch to tell him how shit he is. The funniest part being that his team were only 2-0 down at that point, and Walker went on to make another two horrible blunders to let in two more goals.

Match of the season:
Czech Republic 3 - 2 Holland. Two goals down after only 20 minutes, the Czechs never gave up, and made attack after attack after attack, as Holland got more and more nervous, and started playing more and more defensively. Even when the Czech Republic drew level at 2-2 with 20 minutes of the game still to play, the Dutch decided to just aim for the draw, and it cost them dearly when Smicer scored the winner with minutes to go.
Runner-up: Everton 3 - 4 Manchester United. Much as it pains me to see Man U win, it was a good game, with both teams providing a real tug of war performance. Also the game where Manchester United players showed why we all hate them so fucking much by running to the FAMILY stand and hurling abuse at the little kids in the Everton crowd. Nice work, lads.

Goal of the season:
Yeah yeah, alright, it's Thierry Henry. His goal against Liverpool was scary to watch, as he picked the ball up inside his own half and just zig-zagged through all the Liverpool defenders, before slotting it home for a goal. Overrated as he is, it was a cracking goal. To prove it wasn't a fluke, he then went and did a very similar thing against Leeds the very next week. Not quite as impressive though, given it was against a relegated team and not the Champions League qualifiers, so the Liverpool goal wins the award.

Silly headline of the year:
'Tosser Smith Arrested', after Alan Smith was arrested after throwing an empty plastic bottle back into the crowd, after it was hurled at him.
Runner-up: 'United Have An Itchy Butt', after the unfortunately named Nicky Butt stressed that he was raring to get back into the first team.

Unlikeliest event of the year:
Tony Adams, Paul Merson and Dennis Wise all keeping their jobs as managers.

Laziest multi-million footballer of the year:
Laurent Robert, Newcastle. Infrequently brilliant, frequently slow and listless.
Runner-up: Carlton Cole, Charlton.

Worst fashion trend of the year:
Alice bands.

The 'Gary Neville Award' for worst dive of the year:
Chelsea's Claude Makelele v Marseille.
Runner-Up: Paul Scholes v Chelsea. He even admitted it was deliberate (and rubbish) in the post-match interview.

Journalistic U-Turn of the season:
Daily Telegraph hack Henry Winter, with the moment he first began fellating Arsenal. Starting the season with his allegiances pinned firmly to Manchester United, he wrote of Arsenal "The face of the beautiful game was ravaged with scars and tears yesterday… Arsenal may have worn yellow yesterday but they were tainted with red." Eight months later, having decided Man U were dead and Arsenal were his new king, he changed his tune to "Arsenal give the beautiful game new meaning...Arsene Wenger's men have matured into deservedly the best team in the land as well as the most beautiful....Class acts in a class of their own." It's nice to see such clear cut evidence of journalists swarming around the current hot property like vermin.

Most improved player of the year:
Frank Lampard, Chelsea. Unrecognisable compared to the previous season. Genuinely world class now.
Runner-up: Kevin Davies, Bolton.

Inevitability of the year:
Jesper Gronkjaer overhitting a cross, and being quickly substituted.
Runner-up: Cristiano Ronaldo attempting a step-over.

Revelation of the year:
Moving Kolo Toure to centre-half, the result of a "sleepless night" for Arsene Wenger. In hindsight, it looks like the single move that proved the difference between Arsenal losing the title last year, and going this season unbeaten. Discuss.

Bargain of the season:
Jon Stead. Paying £1,250,000 for a young player in the Third Division is certainly a move that causes frowns aplenty, but it does look pretty smart when that same player does better than all your multi-million pound ex-champion players and scores the vital goals that single-handedly keep your team in the Premiership, earning you £20 million.

Loan player of the season:
Mikael Forssell, Birmingham. Scores 20 goals in a mid-table team that only got promoted a season ago, even causing them to push for a Champions League place at one point in the season. Even managed to be the top scorer of all Chelsea players, making it all the more miraculous that they've loaned him out to Birmingham for another season. Not bad, this getting-a-stupidly-awesome-player-for-free lark.
Runner-up: Jermaine Pennant, Leeds. Had a brilliant season for us, repeatedly one of the best players on the pitch. It clearly helped him immensely, too, to get so many games, because playing for Arsenal on Sunday he looked a totally different player to his early spells a year or two ago.

Worst loan player of the season:
Francis Jeffers. Two years ago, he was supposedly the answer to Arsenal's striker shortage. In August he headed back to his native Merseyside proclaiming a second coming. Ten months and only one league goal later, he's not wanted at either Arsenal or Everton and is staring into a footballing abyss. NEWSFLASH: got snapped up by Charlton earlier today. Another chance for the little cunt, it seems.

Most overpaid of the season:
Peter Reid. Sacked by Leeds United when the team were bottom of the league, after a 6-1 thrashing, Peter decided to exact a clause in his contract demanding £800,000 from the already empty coffers of the club.
Runner-up: Winston Bogarde, Chelsea. Signed for nothing in 2000, Winston made a grand-total of 12 appearances for the club in 4 years. Despite this, he still picked up his £40,000 wage slip every single week, without a hint of shame. Having paid Winston 8.3 million pounds for only 360 minutes of professional work, Chelsea finally decided to release the player in June. No longer will he be training with 16 year olds four days a week, getting 10,000 for each of them. Poor Winston.

Okay, that's about enough of that. Onto the Funny Foreigners award!

Harshly forgotten team of the year:
Boca Juniors.
Spain has its success story in Valencia, a team without the massive name stars of Real Madrid, but who have won the Spanish league twice in the last three years. Italy have apparently rediscovered attacking football in Milan, a fact supposedly exhibited in their 4-3-3 formation in Euro 2004, despite the fact they still played dreary, defensive football. And the Portuguese are understandably proud of over-achieving Porto. But the team nobody EVER talks about anywhere in Europe, won some impressive trophies this year. Argentina's Boca Juniors.

The sad fact of Argentinean football's economy is that any player that's even remotely good gets bought up by any European team that wants them. The Argentinian teams just can't say no, even if the offer is an under-valuation from a 2nd division team. This is happening at increasingly younger ages, so the fans only get about three seasons out of their favourite players before they're off to Europe to make it in front of the cameras. So it's all the more surprising and bittersweet that Boca Juniors should win the Copa Libertadores (South and Central America’s Champions League) and then the Intercontinental Cup against millionaire super stars AC Milan in the space of a few months. An impressive season, overshadowed by the fact that all the players will be plying their trade elsewhere come the new season.

Best European Celebration
Francesco Totti.
A man equally loathed and loved throughout Europe, Totti has it all and flaunts it. One of, if not the best player in the Italian national team, he undoubtedly has talent, and yet seems reluctant to show it at times. One of those infuriating players whose ego is bigger than his talent, and he just decides how he's going to play that day. Add to that the fact he was banned from playing in Euro 2004 for spitting in the face of another player, and he's really not the most likeable player in the world.

However, he did give us easily the most innovative and unique goal celebrations of the year, if not the decade. Imagine the scene: You're the star player of AS Roma, and your team is about to play your bitter Rome rivals, Lazio. It's a tense derby, made all the more tense after the game has been rescheduled because when you tried to play it last, it was called off halfway through when the fans stormed the pitch claiming riot police had killed a young boy outside the stadium. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife, and all the pressure is on you. You rise to the challenge and score a goal, but how to celebrate such an event? Well, if your name is Francesco Totti, you choose to run straight for your fans, leap over the advertising boards, sprint over to one of the mounted, heavy duty TV cameras, push the cameraman aside and jump into his seat, swivelling the thing around to film your own fans going fucking crazy over your goal. Marvellous stuff.

Best all round performance:
Ronaldinho and Barcelona.
With Barcelona massively in debt, at a time when protests being held by angry fans outside the stadium were becoming practically tradition, chairman Joan Laporta must have had to think long and hard before he finally spent £20 million on Ronaldinho, a 24 year old only recently brought into the Brazil national team, with a very poor disciplinary record and no amazing history in Europe. But spend he did, and what a buy it's turned out to be. Ronaldinho has risen quietly through the ranks, from being crowned champion and top-scorer of the U17 World Championship in 1997, to being given a chance in the Brazil squad for the 2002 World Cup, where he scored two goals and two assists in five games, to becoming the star player of Paris Saint Germain. But when he signed to Barcelona at the start of the season, he blossomed quickly. His pace and unrivalled ability to run with the ball saw him become one of the best players in the world in a very short space of time. Possessing far more trickery than Zidane or Henry, he was quickly pushed to the forefront of Coca-cola adverts, a badge that immediately tags you as a fancy-pants footballer, especially when you look so much like a character from Fraggle Rock. But unlike most, his tricks actually do something. In winter, Barcelona were described as "11 dead men walking" as they languished in the bottom half of the league, miles behind the likes of Real Madrid and Valencia. But as Ronaldinho grew more and more confident, the team rose through the table, finally finishing in a very impressive second, ahead of both Deportivo and Real Madrid. The credit can't all go to Ronaldinho, obviously, but he was their top scorer with 22 goals, 15 of them in La Liga, along with 5 assists, all in his debut season for the club. For that I think it's the best overall performances of the year.

What was next? The season in pictures. Right.

First of all, Atletico Madrid's new strip. Worst strip of all time? I think so. If I lived in Madrid, i'd honestly stop supporting them just for that kit. It's awful. It looks like a packet of Chewits.

Ashamedly funny-for-silly-reasons picture of the previously mentioned Mikael Forssell. I just chuckle at it every time. You know how when you're driving on a hot day, with your arm hanging out the window, and it gets a little bit of a tan and the rest of you doesn't? I think Forssell has been doing a LOT of driving.

Another stupid funny picture. This one's the November Spot-The-Ball competition from the Irish Herald. Now, this is just a GUESS, but.....is it A2?

This next one isn't quite as funny now that the Thai Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra, didn't buy half of Liverpool. I was kinda hoping he would, so I could wheel this picture out and be all condescending. But alack, it didn't happen. It's still funny, though, if only to see Alex Ferguson faking friendliness just to try and get his hands on the lucrative East Asian football market.

One of my favourite stories of last season wasn't of the mighty Arsenal, or the plucky Portsmouth, or even "Cash-strapped Leeds". It was that of East Stirling, the worst team in the whole of Scotland, a country reknowned for even its best football teams being really bad. East Stirling battled all year to avoid breaking all the wrong records. The lowest number of points ever scored in a Scottish league was 4 (from a possible 108) by Clyde in 1900. East Stirling, with only 1 win from 33 games, looked set to beat that record. Luckily for them, they avoided the dubious accolade, but they still have an utterly woeful record. 113 goals conceded in only 36 games is a pretty shocking statistic. It gets even worse, however, when you look at their manager's record, and you realise that he was actually employed on the basis he could do a good job...

When Chelsea bought Alexei Smertin, the Russian captain, in January of last year and immediately loaned him out to Portsmouth before he'd even visited the training ground, the entire deal smacked of a personal favour from Roman Abramovich. Surely this was a sort of national nepitism. Thankfully Smertin has now been recalled to Chelsea and should be playing for them once in a while next season. However, when the entire Russian football team's wives recently posed nude (tastefully) for a calendar photo shoot, and we caught of a glimpse of Mrs. Smertin, I can't help but think there's yet another ulterior motive to him being brought to England by Mr. Abramovich...

Speaking of player's wives, it was nice to see all the England players' wives in the tabloids every day as they flew out to Portugal for Euro 2004. It was especially lovely to see young Colleen Mcloughlin, Wayne Rooney's fiance. A newcomer to the England wife camp, she was immediately splashed all over the Sun in a double page spread, looking very fetching.

Doesn't she look lovely? He's a lucky young man, that Wayne Rooney. Although, that said, a quick glimpse at another picture of Ms. Mcloughlin when she isn't in an expensive photo studio with a team of trained make up artists and post-production airbrushers reveals things aren't always as good as they seem. So take heart, girls.

After Euro 2004 kicked off, however, it wasn't long before Italy were knocked out and had to make a lot of excuses and invent scapegoats like they do every single year. But I never expected to find biting cynicism from the BBC website when I checked it just minutes after Italy were knocked out.

Then again, nor did I expect their system of putting vaguely relevant links immediately after blurbs about completely different articles to prove quite so amusing:

Lastly, I couldn't possibly tell the season in pictures without including a shot of the absolute best moment in footballing history. Just sit back and marvel at this picture. It's a classic already.

And that's it. I don't think I can be bothered talking about Euro 2004, so I'll just discuss Alan Smith quickly.

Well...should be pretty obvious that I disapprove of the move immensely. No matter what happens to both clubs, Leeds and Manchester United will always, always be bitter rivals. We loathe each other. Man U has consistently stolen all our best players for decades, and certainly during the 70s we had running battles in the tables. Since the early 90s there may have been very little competition between the two, but they were and are still rivals. Now I can understand just any old player leaving from Leeds to Man U, or from Tottenham to Arsenal, or from Everton to Liverpool. If that player's not even a fan of the team he plays for, then it's not such an issue. The only people who would care are the fans. But when it comes to someone like Alan Smith, the big difference is that he is himself a Leeds fan. He has always stated he's a Leeds fan, and worn the shirt with pride, kissing the Leeds badge every time he scores. For him to go to Man U represents a lot more than just losing out on a player. It marks another massive step in football becoming a morally-void business, rather than the sport we all love. It simply represents a total lack of integrity and loyalty. I just can't think of any really good reason why he'd make that move. A move, yes. That move, no.

He could say it's better for Leeds for money reasons, but the Leeds board said that they had other offers in the same price range, so it makes no difference. He could say he wants to win medals, but is that really more important? Phil Neville has won six Premiership titles, three FA Cups and one European Cup. Does this make him a great and respected player? Are we going to remember Phil Neville as one of the true great players of his generation? On the other hand, Alan Shearer, who certainly has a hell of a lot of respect in footballing circles, let alone in the world of punditry, has one league championship. With Blackburn. Who would you rather be? Seriously. He could say it's best for footballing reasons, that the best players should be at the best teams. Sure, I like for the big clubs to sign promising young players to build them up and get the best out of them, but seriously, what's the point in that scenario, where all the best players are at the big clubs? What's the point in football when the main ambition of your club is to have a player good enough for Manchester United to buy? What's the point in the rest of the league then? What's the point in national football? Why not just take the whole concept of second nationalities to its ultimate conclusion, and have Sol Campbell and Alan Smith convert to Brazil, because it's better for football, and they want to win medals?

I don't begrudge Smith the move to a bigger club whatsoever. I don't think any Leeds fan did. But after harping on for years about being a Leeds fan through and through, he made the move that absolutely no Leeds fan would ever make. He could have picked ANY other offer from ANY other club, and been wished nothing but the best from Leeds fans.

The bottom line is surely this. If Alan Smith were really terrible at football, and had never managed to make a career of it, and he was just another fan in the stadium every weekend, he'd hate Alan Smith too.

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